A Harrowed Soul

There is a passage in the Book of Mormon in the first chapter of the Book of Alma:

24 For the hearts of many were hardened, and their names were blotted out, that they were remembered no more among the people of God. And also many withdrew themselves from among them.

25 Now this was a great trial to those that did stand fast in the faith; nevertheless, they were steadfast and immovable in keeping the commandments of God, and they bore with patience the persecution which was heaped upon them.

I've always interpreted this passage to mean that the people who remained faithful endured the trial of persecution by those who were unfaithful--no more, no less. Today, however, I read this passage and discovered another meaning.

Recently, I discovered that a very close friend of mine had lost his testimony of the LDS faith. This tore me apart inside. The closer we became, the more this hurt. He was very respectful of me and my beliefs. That wasn't the problem. I don't think it is unreasonable to want the best for the people you love. The more you love somebody, the more you wish there was something you could do to make them happy. In this case, though, one of my best friends had willingly turned his back on everything he had known and there was nothing I could do.

I'm sure there are many, many others who have been in similar and worse situations with friends, spouses, and children. I don't mean to say that I understand their pain or the pain of the people of Alma, but I do understand a bit better now, I think. I have cried and prayed for many hours over this one person. I understand a bit now the true meaning of having a "harrowed soul" over somebody.

Can you imagine the feeling the Prophet has over all of us? I hear the apostles in General Conference express their love for each of us individually and how they pray for us, and I believe they are sincere and that the feelings and earnestness they have in that regard are at a level incomprehensible to me at this point.

Imagine, then, how the Savior feels. He can't make me change, but I can choose to change and become the way that He would have me be.

Appearance

We all realize that our appearance has a pretty substantial effect on the way other people treat us. Whether or not this should be the case is a discussion for another day, but we've all heard the studies, most of us either teased or were teased in school about appearance, and we have all made that snap judgment of a person based on their appearance at least once. There is, however, a lesser-highlighted--yet equally pervasive--experience in our society: judging yourself based on your appearance.

During high school, my sister Brooke made the fantastic discovery that if she felt sick or tired, she could perk herself up by putting extra effort into her appearance. She had a better sense of style than I did anyway, but she made herself look spectacular on days when she was feeling her worst. If she had a big test, she enjoyed the extra confidence boost that looking good made her feel, and she generally did better on those tests than she felt she otherwise would have.

My freshman year of college, I came into my own a bit. I even dated a boy for a little while. I'd dated boys before, but I'd never before developed quite the connection that you do when you live in the same housing complex and see each other every day. The relationship ended, as most tend to, but only after we'd had what I considered at that point to be a huge fight and subsequent three days of silence. Those three days were the hardest of my entire freshman year, harder even than the breakup that ended them. I missed my first two classes the first day, and only ventured out of my dorm room to gather snack food from the vending machines in the lobby.

Soon, however, the realization that I would fail my classes if I didn't attend broke through the fog in my head. I remembered what Brooke had done in high school when she wasn't feeling her best, and I took a significant amount of time over the next three days before leaving my room to make sure that I looked better than I had all year. The change in my attitude was instant. Not only did I have the confidence that anyone who saw me would see me at my best, but it freed my mind from most of the self-conscious thoughts that harangued me in those days, and I could focus on other things, like getting through my day.

I've gotten to the point where I don't need to use that trick to feel better emotionally very often. However, I have found that people in general treat me and my opinions with more respect on days when I dress more professionally I am blessed to have an amazing job at which I am allowed to wear anything I want as long as it's neither pajamas nor immodest. While working at this job, I've discovered something else as well: Not only do I feel more respected and capable on days when I dress professionally, but wearing such an outfit actually puts me into a mindset in which I am more productive. Wearing a hoodie and jeans is almost like giving myself permission to slack off. I feel like I have more of an obligation to perform if I'm wearing a skirt, heels, and tailored jacket.

I enjoy tricking myself into being less lazy.

A Beginning

Many of you reading this know that I was engaged for a few months last year to a man named Levi. If you didn't know this, you do now. After the breakup, I was devastated. Everything I'd built myself toward for the previous six months was what Levi wanted. I didn't know who I was anymore, and even worse, I didn't know who I wanted to be. I just knew that I needed to figure that all out. This blog is the story of how I did that, and how I continue to do so.

I started by writing down some simple goals in a small journal: Things that I remembered wanting to do and to be before I'd ever started dating back when I was a teenager. This list included things like learning how to be a tidier person, studying the scriptures daily, and making my prayers more meaningful. Eventually I got to a place where losing that relationship didn't hurt quite so badly, but the desire to become somebody I would like all on my own remained.

 I soon found that many of the activities Levi had encouraged me to pursue were things that I actually enjoyed. However, while we were dating, I did them because he wanted me to do them, and not because I wanted to. That distinction--for me--made all the difference. Where I had previously felt that I had to go rock climbing or other such things to make Levi happy, I now had fantastic activities that I could use to stretch and discover myself. I sometimes dig into my imagination when I'm in the middle of a difficult climb or nearing the breaking point at the gym or struggling with a difficult task at work and conjure the imagine of Levi's face if he were to see me push through that point and come out the victor. The shock he would express is usually enough to get me to give that extra push and come out conqueror.

I took my sister Brooke's advice and wrote down a list of qualities I want in a husband someday. It's a pretty extensive list that I may revisit in a later post. I realize that my list--the qualities of my ideal man--is probably unrealistic, but it gave me a better idea of what I want to become. It has become not only a list of qualities for my future husband, but a checklist for qualities that I wish to acquire and cultivate. This list keeps me from taking the easy way out when I feel tired or jaded.

Exes can be a great source of motivation for self-betterment, but make sure that you're harnessing it correctly. Every time I use Levi as motivation, I mentally step back and ask myself, "Am I doing this because I want to become this person and the idea of him is helping me get there, or am I doing it because that is what he would want me to be?" If I can honestly say that the motivation is the former, I continue in that path. If it is the former, however, I stop immediately and ask myself where I would rather go and figure out the steps to go that direction instead. It is good to improve yourself, but even if the changes are things society would tell you are good, if they are not what you truly want, you should not do it. You are the one who has to live with your decisions and the person that you become; make sure you become somebody you love.