A Beginning

Many of you reading this know that I was engaged for a few months last year to a man named Levi. If you didn't know this, you do now. After the breakup, I was devastated. Everything I'd built myself toward for the previous six months was what Levi wanted. I didn't know who I was anymore, and even worse, I didn't know who I wanted to be. I just knew that I needed to figure that all out. This blog is the story of how I did that, and how I continue to do so.

I started by writing down some simple goals in a small journal: Things that I remembered wanting to do and to be before I'd ever started dating back when I was a teenager. This list included things like learning how to be a tidier person, studying the scriptures daily, and making my prayers more meaningful. Eventually I got to a place where losing that relationship didn't hurt quite so badly, but the desire to become somebody I would like all on my own remained.

 I soon found that many of the activities Levi had encouraged me to pursue were things that I actually enjoyed. However, while we were dating, I did them because he wanted me to do them, and not because I wanted to. That distinction--for me--made all the difference. Where I had previously felt that I had to go rock climbing or other such things to make Levi happy, I now had fantastic activities that I could use to stretch and discover myself. I sometimes dig into my imagination when I'm in the middle of a difficult climb or nearing the breaking point at the gym or struggling with a difficult task at work and conjure the imagine of Levi's face if he were to see me push through that point and come out the victor. The shock he would express is usually enough to get me to give that extra push and come out conqueror.

I took my sister Brooke's advice and wrote down a list of qualities I want in a husband someday. It's a pretty extensive list that I may revisit in a later post. I realize that my list--the qualities of my ideal man--is probably unrealistic, but it gave me a better idea of what I want to become. It has become not only a list of qualities for my future husband, but a checklist for qualities that I wish to acquire and cultivate. This list keeps me from taking the easy way out when I feel tired or jaded.

Exes can be a great source of motivation for self-betterment, but make sure that you're harnessing it correctly. Every time I use Levi as motivation, I mentally step back and ask myself, "Am I doing this because I want to become this person and the idea of him is helping me get there, or am I doing it because that is what he would want me to be?" If I can honestly say that the motivation is the former, I continue in that path. If it is the former, however, I stop immediately and ask myself where I would rather go and figure out the steps to go that direction instead. It is good to improve yourself, but even if the changes are things society would tell you are good, if they are not what you truly want, you should not do it. You are the one who has to live with your decisions and the person that you become; make sure you become somebody you love.